I wanted to be a youth pastor through most of high school. 18 years in the church and all it took was one bad experience to make me high-tail it away from seminary and right into the arms of a major University where I would spend 5 years trying to convince myself that I didn’t want anything to do with ministry or the church. .
So yeah, I’ve tried to quit. And not just the church, not just ministry but my faith. I’ve wanted to be angry and question God and salvation and all the things and that didn’t make me a bad person or a sinner- it made me human.
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But that cross is so loud. The empty grave is even louder. And in all my questioning, mostly private wrestling, I couldn’t get away from what I said yes to when I was 7 years old. Not emotional hype, Pentecostal hysteria…but the hope of what that empty tomb stood for even on the days I doubted the most. .
Even on the days I said, “Show me your nail scarred hands.”
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Even on the days I denied Him 3 times. I wasn’t fooling anyone. My speech, my songs, my calling betrayed me- I had walked closely with Jesus and anyone could see it. .
I’ve had seasons in my 30’s I considered going back to being a gym teacher because crazy children are easier to handle than wrestling adult evangelicals. Yet as I slowly stepped into my calling the Lord was breaking my heart for His people and I learned to wrestle with them. With Him. .
God can handle my questions. .
He has a stack of my resignation letters that he never accepted. But he read them. .
It’s okay to admit we’ve been hurt, overlooked, rejected and misled by people we trusted. That doesn’t make us weak or incapable- it doesn’t disqualify us from leadership. The only thing that can stop us from doing what God has called us to do is if we walk away and let those questions become louder than the cross and our guilt louder than that grave. .
I have learned to listen closely for the roar of the resurrection in my heart and remember why I said yes even in the pressing and pain. So keep asking questions. Keep wrestling. Wrestle with others. Just please don’t give up. Don’t quit. Finish the race.
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